I have suffered from anxiety and depression my entire life. I have struggled to keep from drowning in the constant pain I have felt from the years of child sexual abuse I lived through.
My life has never been easy. I was molested and sexually abused between the ages of 7 and 12 by a man my mom divorced my dad for. I was also in child pornography for most of those years while being sexually abused and molested. I was forced to watch animals mutilated and tortured to keep me quiet. I have lived my entire life dealing with depression and night terrors from the memories I try to block but I cannot..
When I was 13 I was raped by a man I knew while my parents were out-of-town and at the age of 14 I had a daughter who I put up for adoption. My daughter was born mothers day May 10th 1981. I brought my daughter home from the hospital on May 15th and kept her with me until June 30th when I decided to put her up for adoption. It was and has turned out to be one of the hardest decisions I made as a young girl.
My life has been one of emptiness, loneliness, great loss and heartache. I have fought very hard to overcome the obstacles that stole my childhood. Sometimes I do very well and other times I am depressed for many days straight to the point I can’t even get out of bed. I am like a light that can be turned on or off with a flick of the switch.
So many people have tried to help me through the years but they have only made it worse for me by not understanding there is nothing they can do and not just leaving me alone to heal. I have ended many relationships throughout the years because of people interfering when I don’t want them to.
I am older now and I finally have the courage to talk and write about what I have never been able too before. I am finally ready to tell my story and talk about the pain I have endured and suffered my entire life through the vivid fears and memories I am so often reminded of. This is my blog and this is my story.